Who's Gonna Tell Her?

Stop Explaining. Start Setting Boundaries.

• Cici & V • Season 2 • Episode 2

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0:00 | 35:40

Boundaries — because overexplaining is a full-time job we’re quitting.

SPEAKER_00

Welcome back to Who's Gonna Teller? Uh the conversations we avoid said out loud. Um, thanks for dealing with us yet again. Um, today we're talking about boundaries. Right. My favorite thing. And why we act like it's a felony to, you know, implement them.

SPEAKER_02

Right, right. Because somehow saying that doesn't work for me does sound illegal.

SPEAKER_00

No, it really does. It really does. Um, I think that they feel really intense and it feels wrong to set them. Um for sure. I feel like why does sending a simple I can't make it text feel like you're flipping a table or something? It's it's crazy.

SPEAKER_02

And I think that I think it feels crazy because a lot of us equate love for constant availability. It's like psychologically, attachment feels like safety. Yes. So when we say no, our nervous system takes it as like danger, like it's not safe.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Do you know what I'm saying? Like you're putting yourself out there. So you might you feel rejected or you might get rejected. You know what I'm saying? And then that rejection equals to it feels danger.

SPEAKER_00

Like your body's like danger, danger, like you know, it just doesn't feel safe, like you were saying.

SPEAKER_02

So you have to make yourself like constantly available. Um I think it goes deeper than that too, right?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, it and sometimes it just it it feels like you setting a boundary, like your body reacts as if you've just offended your entire bloodline. Right. Like all I did was say that I'm unavailable on Sunday.

SPEAKER_02

And meanwhile, the other person is like, okay, cool, but you've just rehearsed it like 40 times.

SPEAKER_00

Over and over and over. Right. Like, what does that mean? Okay, cool. Is she mad? And is she not?

SPEAKER_02

The irony with that is that most people aren't mad. You know, most people are fine. Yeah. It's just like what we go through, and it's all it all starts with us.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. I think when I set a boundary, I have to be really careful about um centering and decentering myself. I think if I center myself too much, I start to overthink about how the other person feels and how the boundaries being perceived. But boundaries are not for other people, they're for you. Correct. Right. So I have to kind of like step out of myself and be like, okay, they said okay, cool. Okay, it's cool. Like, you know, I trust that if they had an issue with it, that they would vocalize that and make that clear to me. And honestly, if you have an issue with me not, you know, saying that I can make it, then I don't know, then that's a different conversation.

SPEAKER_02

But right, and I think that that whole internalizing and like just kind of constantly asking ourselves and is it sure, you know, like our is it really all right? That panic and anxiety is because we've tied approval to safety. So it's like it's it's like I don't know, it's crazy. Boundaries are our friend, best friends, best friends.

SPEAKER_00

Best friends. Um, let's talk about the good girl programming. Um, I think we were we're used to being praised for being flexible, um, understanding, low maintenance, and no one claps when you actually say no. I think we're so used to getting pushback when we say no. No feels uncomfortable, I think for a lot of us naturally. Um so yeah, what do you think about that?

SPEAKER_02

I agree. I think like we were getting into it. I think it does get deeper than that, yeah. I think that we learned to be agreeable, you know, when we were younger. And for some of us, agreeable can feel like it equates to love.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

You know, so now when we assert ourselves, no matter if it's you know, strongly asserting it or just setting light boundaries, um, it does feel like we're risking too much.

SPEAKER_00

You know, it's like we're risking and feeling like you're too much, or feeling like, oh, she's complicated, or you know, she's not manageable.

SPEAKER_02

And but here's the funny part, right? We'll overcommit, grow resentful, and then be confused and irritated at everybody. You know what I'm saying? Like it's it's when we really should be mad at ourselves, which is what everybody else, right? Because every time you overcommit, every time you don't listen to yourself, I know, and you you don't set a boundary, or you're like, you know what, not this time, or you know, I'll set it next time. You're really disappointing yourself, you're not standing up for yourself, yeah. You know what I'm saying? So it's you're like dishonoring yourself in a way, and then you're like, damn, I'm doing this, and it's not even for you, you're doing it because of this whole you know, internalizing this whole thing that happens when you were like, should I no, I don't want to, you know, come off too assertive. And I think I think that's where I find myself a lot, like in that loop. I'm like, well, it's this small, but then it like turns into this, and then it gets like that big, and then all of a sudden it's bigger than me.

SPEAKER_00

And that's resentment. Resentment loves to snowball into these like bigger feelings, and you have to tackle it as soon as you feel it. Um, I think we always think that being understanding um means tolerating things that actually hurt. Um, and I don't think that that is a healthy way to think about things, you know? Um, because I think psychologically when you suppress your needs repeatedly, it creates this like internal dissonance. Um, and the dissonance turns into resentment and and which is what happens when you start to like abandon yourself in a way. And and to your point, kind of like that dishonoring yourself by not implementing boundaries that you you know you should with other people.

SPEAKER_02

Right, and then it goes even further because it's like the if you continue to disappoint yourself, then it turns into distrust for yourself. And then that, you know, that shows up in so many different ways, right? And we're like, we're spinning out of control. I don't know, I don't know, you don't even know where you're at, how you got there. Um, because you don't trust yourself, you know what I'm saying? It's like you're just mad at everybody, and then you stop internalizing things so much, like it's not like you kind of sitting with yourself, it's you reacting to within yourself, right? You're like, you shouldn't have done this, you know. Like now I feel like this overall.

SPEAKER_00

Internal dialogue and conflict, it's all this stuff. Why are it speaking of conflict, it's like why are we so afraid to set boundaries with people? Aside from, you know, disappointing other people and naturally being conditioned to think that you are a people pleaser, you know. I think a lot of this ties back to how we were raised and the environments that we thrived in and so on and so forth. Um, but I think a lot of the time we avoid conflict because it feels unsafe. And again, if you grew up um around explosive reactions or emotional shutdowns, you learned to do whatever you can to keep the peace, even if that means like it's at a cost of the mic was kind of falling a little bit. I was getting somewhere, I was I was due, I was preaching, you know. But even if that means um, you know, that it costs a part of your peace or or yourself, you know. For sure. Which is crazy if you think about it.

SPEAKER_02

And I think your nervous system, when you're so accustomed to doing that, has adapted to you know, playing that role of trying to keep the peace. So now when a healthy disagreement or conflict within yourself occurs, it triggers that old survival pattern. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Um, it's not weakness, it's not like, you know, like we get disappointed and we're like, how did that happen again? Right? But it it's it's actually conditioning, I, I, I think, you know, because we're so accustomed to doing that.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah, absolutely. You know, like unlearning, I think, is the hardest part of growing and getting older and more mature, yeah, and kind of having a per perspective shift within yourself, like the unlearning part is the hardest for me. But I really think that avoiding short-term discomfort creates this like long-term bitterness, and we can link that back to the resentfulness, and nobody really talks about not be not only being resentful with other people, but building resentment within yourself. I definitely think that is something we don't speak about enough, and I think bitterness will start to come out sideways, you know, it always does. And for me, it's like in sarcasm or it's the like, I'm fine, you know, and I'm mysteriously tired every time that one person calls, you know, like I just don't want to deal. Yeah, and for sure. I think I start feeling like that when I am noticing that I'm like, okay, there's something in me that's not really, I'm not really upholding the boundary the way that I want to or the way that I anticipated. Yeah. And I'm starting to build like this bitterness against like this other person or whatever the situation is.

SPEAKER_02

Um it's really internal, because like you said something, and I was like, damn, sometimes, sometimes I, you know, I'm driving and uh or I'm in the middle of cooking, anything, and and somebody will call and I'll be like, What? Yes, would you like to do that?

SPEAKER_00

Actually, do that every time. Not you, not like my my for lifers, but like, you know, somebody that I just like maybe don't feel like talking to at the moment. I almost always am like, what now? What do you want?

SPEAKER_02

Like it could be like we haven't spoken two days, you know. And just because like the phone rang, I'm like, what do you want from me?

SPEAKER_00

What else can I give me? I'm literally like that all the time, all the time. There's people that I I always want to talk to, and one of them, of course, but when my phone rings and I'm just like, what do you want?

SPEAKER_02

What do you want to do for me? And when you said that, I was like, it's the boundaries, it is our own boundaries. And it's like, look at the way we're at reacting to people, you know what I'm saying? Look at the way we're handling a phone call, but it's really because of us. It's like, why do we have to pick up the phone? Exactly. Because we're about to break another boundary. It's like I don't want to be bothered right now. I'm cooking, this is my peacetime, I'm listening to my music, whatever. And here they go calling me. It's not that they called, it's that my dumb ass is gonna pick up the phone because I just have to. Because I feel like I have to. I mean, what's the big deal? I pick up the phone. What's the big deal if I don't? There is no big deal. And that's the thing. And then things happen, and I'm not gonna say no names, but like then things happen, and then you don't pick up the phone, and you're like, Well, I called you, and that's triggering for me because I'm like, damn, I set a boundary. Oh, I called you 20 minutes later, like when I got done.

SPEAKER_00

Like, and bitch, if it was really an emergency, your ass would have texted me. Emergency. And what do you want me to do with that?

SPEAKER_02

You called. I got it. I call back. Like, so it's all this resentment, but it's not really towards the person, it's really your fault. It's really with us. The resentment is internal because it's like they're not, they literally are calling about something good. Like, you know, they're like, hey, how you doing? Yeah, checking in or for whatever. It's not them.

SPEAKER_00

So it's like, I don't want to be checked on. I'm sorry. Leave me the fuck out of it. Okay. Um, I this so funny because I used to feel pressured to answer every single call, and I do not do that anymore. I think it has taken a toll on my mental health. If somebody calls and I just simply don't feel like speaking, I will not answer the phone.

SPEAKER_02

Same. And I make it very clear. I'm like, hey, on the weekend, I I intentionally, I mean it's not too much intention behind it because then it's like it's the voice short for me. But I'm like, I just leave my phone. I just leave my phone. I do not unless I'm actually looking through it or I'm doing something on it, and it's not a lot, like I'm actually not that active on things, you know. Like, it's like that meme you see where you're like, if I didn't you didn't pick up during my ride home, that's yeah, that's it. Like that's how I am.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I'm I'm unavailable now. I've walked through my front door.

SPEAKER_02

Because now I'm in my house, yeah, and now I'm with me. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? It's me time. So I think that like that brings us to like when we actually get to building boundaries, how do we do it with love and what does that look like?

SPEAKER_00

Because it's love for ourselves or love for the other person, or just in general, like I think out of the way. Is there a way to do it? You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02

Instead simultaneously, yeah, because I think that doing it with love. I mean, if you got love for the other person, yeah, that ain't going nowhere, yeah. But I I think it's more so for me, when I think about it, it's more of a love for me, where it's not this thing where it's reacting. Yeah, like I'm not triggered and responding. It's the love for you and that you can stand in that um in a you know, in a calm, calm place of like positivity, not negativity, you know. Because I think when some people hear the word boundaries, uh we think that it's it's like slamming doors and burning the bridges. You know what I'm saying? It's like this negative connotation uh to it. It's like, oh, sorry, must stepping on your boundaries. And it's like that's them. That's really that. That's them. That's the problem.

SPEAKER_00

And I think because we are so uncomfortable with boundaries, I think when we set them, it's always like, oh, it's like this tiptoe. It's like right, correct. Did you take that well? Did you take that with like, like, are you okay? Like, yeah, are do we need to talk? Like, right, and I think building them with love means clarity without cruelty. Like, you don't have to, it's just I okay, so I set a boundary um recently with someone, and I also wanted to say too that you don't have to wait for things to happen to set a boundary. You can just set a boundary because you feel in your heart that a line needs to be drawn in the sand. And it's not you being cruel, it's just you being clear about your time, your capacity, whatever the case may be. But I felt like when I set the boundary with the other person, they didn't really take it well. It was like, oh, what do you mean by that? Or oh, like it just felt like it was a very defensive kind of energy. And for a second, I internalized it and I was like, oh, maybe I shouldn't have said that, or maybe I should have, maybe I should have waited until that person asked or brought it up. And then I was like, you know what? No, because I needed to be upfront and clear with what I was capable of doing and my capacity and my availability at that time, and that's okay because boundaries are for me, not for the other person.

SPEAKER_02

Um and I think you hit on something like really important there because that's where I think I have the most difficulty with setting boundaries. It's like waiting for something to happen in order to Right, because then it kind of feels like here comes the villain, like the villain speech, you know what I'm saying? Like a dramatic monologue of why I need to set these boundaries and why I deserve to set these boundaries. And I'm trying to get to a place, and I think this is key, where it's just calm ownership. It's like so a lot of that has been me kind of practicing pausing and just, you know, like kind of sitting with it and reiterating to myself um that like I deserve this. This is no big deal. It's a simple fucking boundary, like and it's mine.

SPEAKER_00

So it's like we don't have to villainize it, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

So it's like this calm ownership I try to attain, um, that I think is really, really, really powerful. And it doesn't try to control the other person and how they're going to react to it. It just protects, it just protects my energy. And I think that in aiming to do that, you know what I'm saying? And then really taking it away from the other person, because I think that when initially we are like, oh, this is a boundary that needs to be set, it's like this person did something to me to make me feel uncomfortable, and I am gonna set this boundary so that they don't do that to me again, and then you go tell them, hey, by the way, next time you show up at this door, it's gonna be closed.

SPEAKER_00

And I just I'm screaming because yes, I feel like I forgot to say that part of my spiel just now, and that's exactly why I ended up setting the boundary because this person had a history of repeated patterns. Right, and because of that, I was like, the buck stops the fuck here, and I am going to set this boundary because when this person kind of gets into the space of like, oh, here's here they go, repeating the pattern again. Now I feel like I have to be the bad person to be like, okay, no, or like uh-uh, no, you know, and it gives me like a different type of anxiety and energy and energy when that stuff happens, and I'm like, okay, here we go again. And like, I don't feel like, you know, if I say no, then I feel bad, and then the guilt starts to kind of creep in. And so, so I don't have to deal with that, and I can kind of stay one step ahead of that. I'm going to set this boundary, not because it happened, but because I don't want to deal with it happening. I can't, I literally cannot, I cannot. Right. So thank you for saying that. Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_02

And you set the boundaries because people have repeated patterns. Right, exactly. And here's the part that some women aren't going to like. They were benefiting from your lack of love for yourself. For yourself, yeah. And respect for yourself. Like, I I feel like for me, it's not triggering or offensive for you to tell me you have a boundary. But again, it's really important that it's not a reaction type of thing. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, if somebody tells me, like, hey, yeah, we can go out, but like I have a two-drink minimum. Like, that has nothing to do with me going out with you. Like, that's your whole thing. Or I don't cuss, or I need to be home by a certain time, or I like what you know what I'm saying, that was there before. But if something were to happen and you're like, you see, like, next time you call me after, you know what I'm saying? I you I can see where somebody might be able to take it offensive because of the way that you're kind of setting it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Instead of being like, and I think that even if you're like, hey, you know, by the way, the first time it happened, I don't like this, or I tend I I really do think that at least for those of us that are more intuitive, like you can hear the difference in somebody's energy, like the the voice, like of voice. Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_00

You know what I'm saying? I clocked that within 30 seconds of you speaking.

SPEAKER_02

And it's even the breath, like it's like, okay, let me talk you. You know, there's something I wanna I wanna talk to you about, or I just want to mention something, and it's like it that right there is not subtle, like it's not all it's not subtle.

SPEAKER_00

I do think delivery is important when you are setting boundaries. I actually try to be as like monotone as possible when I can tell you. When I'm yeah, when I'm like really having an uncomfortable conversation with somebody else, but it's like I have to set the boundary. I'm like, okay, well, I just want to talk to you.

SPEAKER_01

But let me tell you, that is telling me because you're never monotone.

unknown

You're right.

SPEAKER_01

You're never monotone.

SPEAKER_02

So like when you get like that, it's like, oh shit. Like she's serious. Just just say it, Cece. Just say it. Just say it. Okay. It's I think that that all that plays a part. But I think that all that I think that the way that you get better at that, because it's hard, is by doing the self-work. Like I deserve this. It's not about them. It's about me. I don't like it. They did nothing wrong. They only did something wrong as like after I say it. If they continue it and yeah.

SPEAKER_00

It's always hard too because like you ought to like if you're a person who has a hard time with delivery, and you tend to naturally be reactive versus responsive. And I think setting boundaries can be really difficult too because you kind of feel like if I get a whiff of any defensiveness or any like, I have to make sure that I say this in the nicest way possible. But it doesn't like setting boundaries doesn't automatically make you evil. You're not the villain, you're not, you know, the evil queen. It just means that like I think the dynamic worked better when you were over functioning. And I think that's what people find, like that's the convenience that people find in you not setting a boundary. It's like, yeah, I don't set boundaries. We have a friendship, not us, but just as if like I don't set boundaries, and you're okay with that because you actually like that I'm constantly over-functioning in the friendship and I'm overcomp uh compensating because I cannot honor myself and bring myself to kind of draw the line in the sand with how I feel with my boundaries, right? And I don't even think that's a friendship.

SPEAKER_02

I and I think that's where it gets this is such a fucking tricky thing. Yeah, it's so hard for me. Like I'm constantly working on setting boundaries, like it is. You're really good at it though. For real, thank you.

SPEAKER_00

I appreciate that. You are really good at setting boundaries.

SPEAKER_02

Thank you. Yeah, that's interesting. But I will say this I set those boundaries and I had nothing more. But no, the the thing is, I think the biggest thing and it the hardest thing is when you've had a friendship or you you you regrow, right? This is long-term friendships or relationships, family, like you had a job for 10 years, or something. Boundaries don't discriminate. Right. And it's like you're like, you know what, this is not working for me, and you do all the work, you're ready. There's a fear that I think appears that's like, okay, now that I set this boundary, does does it mean that this relationship's gonna shift? Like things are gonna change now.

SPEAKER_00

So that is so real. Yeah. But let me take it even a step further. Um, I think if the relationship only survives when you're self-sacrificing, which is a very real thing. For sure. Especially when you don't know how to set boundaries, it was never secure to begin with. I think it was just convenient for the other person. And I think that's what I was trying to articulate and say before is when you have a friendship or a relationship built off of convenience, it's not, it's never going to feel like it's in alignment for you. Right. And in the person you're trying to grow into.

SPEAKER_02

Right. It's gonna be a convenience. Is it worth it? It's not, and you know what, you know that. You know that, and you don't want, and that's the sad part because I always think back I remember in high school. But I I remember in high school, and I remember somebody like when you first, you know, dating and things like that, and they're like, it's not that you love that person, you love the reflection of yourself, right? So it's like I I remember that, and for some reason it always shows up. I'm like, why do I feel this way with this person, but that I keep them around?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

And I'm like, is it something that I see in like is what are they what am I benefiting from? Is it the reflection of myself? Is it this? Like, what is it? I always feel like it's a relationship based off of convenience from both sides. But what when it gets to the point where you are like they're calling, you're like, What the fuck do you want? Yeah, what do you want now? Or like, oh like what is it then? Because it's like, what why are we doing this?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, I that then we kind of get into like attachment styles and all that stuff. Um, but it's so multi-layered, it's okay.

SPEAKER_01

But I do think this won't be the only episode about boundaries. No, yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I mean, we we love them. We love boundaries, yeah. We love them. Um, so you want to get better at setting boundaries. I know this is the question you guys have been asking from the second we said the word boundaries. Um, how do we do that? How do we do that? What do you think? What would you tell the listeners?

SPEAKER_02

I think that at the end of the day, boundaries are less about controlling the other person, right? And more word, more about building self-trust with yourself. Like it's it sucks. Like, yeah, that's the hardest, you know, it it's it's it's gonna be uncomfortable regardless, right? And every time you speak up, your brain it registers as like I can protect myself, like I can. Like I can do this, and I did that. Um, and that's huge, yeah, because self-trust reduces anxiety, right?

SPEAKER_00

And when you know that you won't abandon yourself, you don't feel this desperate need for external validation from people, from social media, from jobs, from outside of yourself, from like these like internal like jail cells in our minds. And what else could you like? But to be clear Is that not what life is about?

SPEAKER_02

Right.

SPEAKER_00

Um and let's be honest, I think a lot of us aren't scared of losing people. I mean, some of us are, I surely am not. Um I think we're we had we had the discussion last time. We really it's real easy to do. Y'all know, y'all know I'm ready to cut somebody off at any moment. Hand me the scissors. Um, but I think we're scared as being seen as difficult, and somehow that feels harder. That feels like a harder pill to swallow, but difficult to whom? Right, you know, to the people who benefited you being side from you being silent, like is that even is it you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_02

I think this imaginary, like this whole thing that we build up that's not even there, like it's it's not about that, yeah. So to close it, like boundaries, boundaries aren't mean, like they aren't something negative, no, they're maintenance, yes, and maintenance prevents emotional mold.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, that is so true. I think like you know, everybody has heard the saying, like, oh, speak up and and do it scared, do it anyway, you know, and and I think that you are going to feel discomfort setting boundaries, but it gets easier every time.

SPEAKER_02

I gotta say, that that right there though, that I live by that. Like, I'm like, I don't do it scared, yeah. I don't care. Like, I'm literally I'm gonna go. Same me too, yeah. Waiting. Yeah, no, I don't care. It doesn't matter what it is, it could be something positive. It could be like I love you, and I'd be like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

I said it like I don't care. Again, I think there is like this sense of honoring yourself, even if you're doing it scared, because I think fear is like a made up thing. I I think it's like a man-made emotion. I don't think we were designed to actually like feel fear or self-doubt or I think I think, yeah, I don't I think it's it's necessary.

SPEAKER_02

Like you don't you want to be cautious when you're climbing a tree. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Like you fear that you might break up, you know. But I definitely do think that in today's society where we've done so much to kind of you know um make sure that we're not falling from like we know, like not to do some shit, that it you should run towards it.

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely. And the people who really love you for you, they're gonna have no problem with the boundaries that you set. You know, you'd be surprised at how many people will actually be like, oh, okay, like and respect it. And respect it. Like, I understand that, no problem. Like, we can move in this specific way moving forward. Right.

SPEAKER_02

Like, you know, there's this amazing thing that I think happens um with the people that are closest to you, like especially like your family. Yeah, once they've peeped that, like, okay, they got boundaries, they don't even recognize that they're doing it, but they start setting their own boundaries. Yeah. And they start saying, like, she, you know, like it's you could inspire somebody else. It's like this craziness. It's just like how like you come from a family of yelling, and that's what you're used to. So you like see it and you do it. It's like when you're like, Oh, I can still e have love and have boundaries, yeah. And we both compete. Respect and all this stuff like that, watch like how your parents will be like, Oh, no, we're going, yeah, this is my time.

SPEAKER_00

Like, and you're like, What? One thousand percent, but it's beautiful, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

You know what I'm saying? No, but it's crazy, it is.

SPEAKER_00

I think also one other thing I want to say before we wrap today's episode. If you are trying to get better with improving, um, oh, those two words mean the same thing. Um, if you want to improve with setting boundaries, it's okay.

SPEAKER_02

Give us all your words, give us all your words.

SPEAKER_00

If you want to get better with setting boundaries, I'm getting serious now. You can see my monotone voice is on. Um, I also think you need to stop over-explaining yourself.

SPEAKER_02

For sure, 1000%.

SPEAKER_00

If you cannot be available to attend something, no, I can't make it. You don't need to say, no, I can't make it because my cat is sick, or I don't I have 105 fever, or I no, I can't make it. Thank you for the invite.

SPEAKER_02

That explanation is almost pushing against your boundaries. Yes, it's crazy.

SPEAKER_00

You're trying to like you're trying to like justify no, I don't gotta share. You don't have to over and and people used to hate me for that. Well, why? Why can't you come? Or why why can't you or why are you doing that?

SPEAKER_02

Why did you decide because I want to crazy when people do that like intentionally, it irks the shit out of me. Isn't that yeah? Notice how it feels when you're like, I didn't say why, or like, oh, we're going, you know, we're not in town. Well, where are you going? Like it's an it's bad enough. I said we're we're out of town. Yeah, it's bad enough. It's like people have to know why.

SPEAKER_00

That's weird. That's that's it's so irritating to me. If I wanted you to know why, I would have said it. But I think if we are used to over-explaining ourselves, which I think a lot of us are, I'm also culprit to it as well, not as much anymore. But in the past, I used to be because I used to feel like, all right, I need to give this person a reason to feel better about the boundary that I'm setting. And I'm setting the boundary for them, not for me. I want them to feel good about the boundary that I'm setting, and that's not how boundaries work.

SPEAKER_02

I've gotten better with that, but I used to be really bad with the biggest. I used to be really bad. Can you go to this kid? And I'm like, no, because it's like we got something else going on, or we got and I'm like, now I'm just oh no, we can't make it. Stop it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I have. It's crazy. Stop it right now. You have to, you cannot. Um, I I think just to close, I think you can you can very well build them with love, but you cannot build them without courage. Like I said, you're gonna be scared, you're gonna feel anxiety doing it, you're going to like, it's gonna be an uncomfortable thing um before it feels empowering. And then when you kind of step into feeling empowered by it, right? It's gonna be a whole different space that you're in. So again, if your voice shakes when you say no, that doesn't mean you're wrong, that doesn't mean you did something wrong, that doesn't mean anything, actually. It just means that you are rewiring your brain, your nervous system.

SPEAKER_02

Right. And if someone doesn't respect like a boundary that you're setting for yourself, that's not rejection. That's just that's just redirection. Like that's all it is. Yes, you it's I love those two words together. Rejection. I like it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. So who's gonna tell her that love isn't proven by how much you tolerate, it is proven by how clearly you communicate. Communicate, communicate, communicate. That is how my friend, you set a healthy bound. Is that the right one?

SPEAKER_02

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00

See y'all next week. Bye.